The Unit will NEVER play in the World Cup

While everyone in America seems to have the itch for soccer (self included), there is one person who is just the opposite. The Unit. He hates soccer.

He enjoyed it before it started.

Here’s his first day’s outfit as he posed with the then-pregnant Wifester: gray New Balance sneaks, mesh shorts, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt. (Our hindsight was spot on as we decided not to buy him soccer specific cleats/shoes.)


This fall, Linds and I had a brilliant idea: let’s try to get this kid to socialize and see if he enjoys something other than hanging out with his cool parents. We signed him up for the U5 “league” which, in reality, was more like 60 kids split into four groups led by two parents each.

You guessed it, I was one of those parent “coaches.” Me, with exactly ZERO days of organized soccer experience under my belt in 33+ years on this great Earth. The other “coach” had twins in the group, one participated and was clearly the best kid there and the other who opted not to.

We bought him a soccer ball a few weeks before the “season” started to try to whet his appetite a bit. He loved when we went to the park, I mean loved it! He’d run hundreds of yards dribbling/kicking-the-crap-out-of the ball.

We got him a haircut soon after this photo

Enter other kids with their own soccer balls, some who’ve played, some who haven’t. Nolan, he wasn’t impressed by any of it. He enjoyed the warm-up, which consisted of chasing the coaches in a circle for three small laps around the “field.”

Six weeks is all it took to realize we will no longer be signing the Unit up for soccer unless he asks, which is highly unlikely.

Back to the World Cup. How devastating was that last-second goal Portugal scored? I mean I am as fake a fan as probably 86% of the rest of America but it’s always nice to see your country succeed – it wouldn’t be normal to think the opposite, would it?

There are plenty of scenarios that could play out should the United States fall to Germany on Thursday afternoon. Here’s a look courtesy of SB Nation. Bottom line is win or draw and they’re moving on.

I plan on watching the game with the anticipation of our USMNT (every time I see this I think United States Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is kind odd since that’s the shirt the Unit wore on Day 1) advancing to the knockout stage.


For the record, his “favorite” Ninja Turtle is Raphael, who was my least favorite due to the two stupid sais. I was more a fan of Leonardo with his katanas.

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