I had an epiphany this afternoon while getting ripped off for Halloween candy: Why don’t I just buy throughout the year when candy is on sale instead of paying $13.99 for a giant bag of candy that we’ll likely eat 40% of? (and no, I DID NOT buy the $13.99 bag of candy).
The answer: because I’ll repeat the following process around 20 times — slowly eat it all until there’s none left, buy more — until Halloween. I’m kidding of course, I’d tear through that shit in a week.
Instead, I opted for a diverse selection of treats ranging from 16 single-serving bags of Boom Chicka Pop popcorn (yes, popcorn) for $6, a mondo-sized bag of snack-size Kit-Kats for like $3.50, a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins for $4.50, and an amply sized bag of Airheads on sale for like $3. Add it up and sure, I spent $17. But I guarantee you I got better stuff than the 200-piece bag containing miniscule Butterfinger and Crunch bars or the 290-piece bag of Wonka candy which includes Laffy Taffy (roughly 55% of the bag, of which 98% will be left lurking at the bottom of the candy bowl), Gobstoppers, and Sweet Tarts (all three you get in that tiny rectangular envelope).
It’s highway robbery but what the hell are we supposed to do? Candy manufacturers know 99% of humans don’t have the willpower to buy candy early in the year and hold off on eating it.
Since nap time yesterday didn’t go all that well (and it’s not going all that well today for G-Man again), I didn’t really have a chance to give the 2014 Halloween Candy Madness tournament much time or effort after the initial post, if you haven’t figured it out by now (hint: check the title), Skittles won the whole damn thing. And why wouldn’t they? I’m not going to put the final bracket, but they took down Reese’s Peanut Putter Cups in the final due to the fact that Reese’s comes in too many different sizes, from the tiny tinfoil-wrapped cup to the pumpkin to the full-size version (which is a rarity). With Skittles, you know you’re getting somewhere between 12-15 per pack guaranteed and you just cannot beat consistency in a candy.
To my point of “why wouldn’t they?” win, there is no counterpoint. These little fruit-flavored eggy-shaped treats come in a myriad of different varieties it’s hard not to find one you like. Granted, the basic handouts on Halloween are those of the snack-size variety in the little red bags and that’s ok by me.
Here’s a rundown of the flavors Skittles currently offers here in the United States:
- Original Fruit: strawberry, orange, lemon, lime, grape
- Tropical: strawberry star fruit, mango tangelo, banana berry, kiwi lime, pineapple passion fruit
- Wild Berry: wild cherry, strawberry, melon berry, raspberry, berry punch
- Sour Skittles: strawberry, orange, lemon, green apple, grape
- Smoothie Mix: strawberry banana, orange mango, lemon berry, peach pear, mixed berry
- Darkside: pomegranate, forbidden fruit, midnight lime, dark berry, blood orange
- Dessert: raspberry sorbet, blueberry tart, key lime pie, orange creme, strawberry milkshake
Try finding a different candy with a better variety. If you can’t find a flavor or flavors you enjoy out of that bunch, you should probably just stick to chocolate. Or do like me and gorge yourself on both.
Back to rocking the G-Man before we head to the library so Unit can paint himself a pumpkin.
(here’s the final bracket if you were really that interested – 2014 Halloween Candy Madness)